you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My dick has a subreddit
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie