Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
