Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
