I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Is it penis luge time yet?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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