party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
