Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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