Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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