I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
