It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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