I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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