if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
