I love black thongs
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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