Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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