I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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