Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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