6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
