these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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