last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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