She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
