I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
