But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Randomize
