Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
