You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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