i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
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i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
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Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
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