Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
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