I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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