Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
