all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
