New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
