he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
