When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
