Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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