if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
