So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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