one might say we're banned from that church
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
