i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
