He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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