I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
