There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
