Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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