i need an iv and a liver transplant
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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