you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
