Your dad touched me again.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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