so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
