The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
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