College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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