True but thats because hes a fetus.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
