I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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