i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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