omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
