I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
