Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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