its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
