mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
