i don't like sucking hair
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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