After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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