I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
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Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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