On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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