she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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