I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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