I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Randomize
