I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize