Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
