I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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