So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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